Yesterday was the beginning of Lent 2014. As has happened every Ash Wednesday for the past several years, I opened a Henri Nouwen Lenten devotional sent to me from a dear friend three states away. The Ash Wednesday devotional was on gratitude and the fact that we are indeed God's "beloved." It didn't seem very Ash Wednesday-ish to me. I was kind of hoping to be reminded of my sinful nature and innate depravity.
However, as I read on, it began to make sense. Nouwen's point was that knowledge of who we are and who God is creates a spirit of gratitude within us that grows the more we reflect on the Truth of these two identities. I have two identities. I am a sinner who can offer nothing to God that he doesn't already have and deserves nothing from Him. However I am also His beloved whom He has saved and called His own. Despite my sin, I am His now and am washed clean, not because of anything I did, but because of what Jesus did on the cross. We'll get back to this.
Tuesday night (Mardi Gras, I suppose), I had dinner with three people for whom I care very much. It was one of those meals that fulfilled me both culinarily (Thai food!) and spiritually. We talked, laughed, ate, drank, and told stories to and on one another. At this meal, one friend ordered a particularly interesting drink. A "black and blue." This, I learned, is a Guinness poured on top of a Blue Moon. Like a "black and tan" but with a bit more contrast. As we waited for our drinks we had a perfect view of the bar and watched the bartender try (and fail) at making this drink at least 5 times before bringing out a sad version of my friend's order. Apparently, the Blue Moon is supposed to be poured into the glass first, then the Guinness on top. When done correctly the two should fill the glass but not mix, creating a light half and a dark half of the glass. But, alas, this was not to be for my friend that evening. His glass looked like a pint of off-colored Guinness with some sand at the bottom.
As I read and prayed through Nouwen's devotion yesterday, I thought of my friend's ill-fated "black and blue." The paradox of Ash Wednesday is much like my friend's drink. I am sinful. And yet I am beloved. I would like to keep the "light half" and the "dark half" separate. I would like them not to mix and run into each other and affect one another. I'd like to keep the good from the bad and the bad, well...away. But that's not how it works. My identity and my relationship with the Lord look a lot more like the drink my friend received than what he ordered. My sinful nature always comes crashing into my identity as God's beloved, lying to me, telling me I'm less than I am, tempting me with things far less satisfying than Jesus. And God's love for me fights back and often overtakes my sinful nature, if not completely this side of heaven, then as closely as possible. He uses relationships, the beauty of creation, art, music, literature, and so many other things to remind me of the Truth of who I am and who He is. And though it is often-times messy, I can indeed sense a spirit of gratitude for not only the gifts He gives now, but also for the foretaste of what is to come.
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